Reviewed on 2010 June 18
I’d been wondering what all the Twilight fuss was for some time, knowing little about it except it’s based on the novel about a girl who falls in love with a beautiful and noble vampire, and since I’d planned a movie day after a hectic week at work I thought I’d kill two birds with one stone. Frankly, I found it to be the movie equivalent of one of those family parties where you try to be upbeat and then a group takes over and starts talking about all the people they know who died. Everything is laid out prettily and everyone looks nice but you just want the thing to end already.
Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart) is a freshly transplanted high school student in the rainy town of Forks, Washington, trying her best to quickly get used to her new world. She left behind her warm Arizona climate and her giddily happy, recently-remarried mom for the gloomy Pacific Northwest and her kind but stoic father Charlie (Billie Burke). Bella gave herself the short end of the stick in order to giver her mom some peace and quiet with her new man, and she’s rewarded pretty quickly with some new friends. Jessica (Anna Kendrick) happily steps in as a new BFF, showing her the new shopping places in town and pointing out the cool kids in the surprisingly hierarchy-free high school. Even Jessica can’t tell her much about those uber-trendy Cullen kids though; they all stick together and keep to themselves, look like models, and stay home the two or three days a year the sun creeps out. Things get moving along more when Bella goes to class one day and the only seat open is next to the mysterious Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson), who seems to be taken ill…
I’d considered the fact I’d like this more if I were a teenager, but after sitting through it I think even if I were fourteen I’d still find it as thick and gooey as a straight shot of Karo® syrup. I can handle courtly vampires with amazing hair, clothes and abdominal muscles, but this was too much of a soap opera for me. (And by the way, if you want a good soap opera with undead critters, you need to watch Dark Shadows.) Yes, the Cullens were likable, and the actors did a good job with the concept. In my opinion it was still just Transylvania 90210.
One chocolate morsel and a Garden Burger.