Oh, come on! I do not sound that much like Peter Griffin!

the Thinking Chicks Guide to Movies

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Ted (2012)

Reviewed on 2013 February 17

I was a guest at a good friend’s house. She wanted to see this movie. Family Guy (another creation of Seth MacFarlane, the director and writer of this movie) never did it for me, so I wasn’t expecting to particularly enjoy it. Still, it was my friend’s house, and the idea of a talking teddy bear, come to foul-mouthed life and ruining his childhood friend’s world, is wrong and funny enough that I said I’d take a chance on it. What a waste.

In an introduction that promisingly starts like a family movie on mescaline, little Johnny (Mark Wahlberg) wants one true friend. He’s the pariah of the neighborhood, and one Christmas, when his parents give him a plush teddy bear, Johnny wishes for the bear to come to life. He gets his wish; Ted is born. John grows up and takes a so-so job; Ted quickly becomes a has-been celebrity who spends his now-free time hitting the bong.

This could be a blissful sort of non-existence for John and Ted, who are still BFFs. The problem is that John’s sweetheart Lori (Mila Kunis) knows John can get farther in life when he’s not anchored to a stuffed bear with a weakness for weed, booze, and partying with prostitutes. John has to decide if he’s going to keep his lady or his childhood friend.

The acting wasn’t bad and the bear effects were great; the problem was the script. First of all, when every other word is an f-bomb it seems like you’re going for a dated shock factor, or you’ve just got nothing. The other problem is the nastiness; I don’t mean the vulgarity (did I mention I loved The Hangover?), I mean the mean-spiritedness. I know MacFarlane makes fun of everything and everybody so I was expecting nothing tasteful here. That said, some things should be hallowed ground. You want to make misogynist jokes? Whatever; you may even hit a few of my gender that are legit targets. If not, I can tell myself that it’s your problem, not mine. Making jokes about September 11, Virginia Tech and a very callous little bit making fun of the mentally impaired towards the end? Sorry, when you go that route the second word to describe you is “hole”, and I’m making it a point to not support your work unless you knock that puerile crap off.

No morsels. This thing just plain sucked.


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