the Thinking Chicks Guide to Movies

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Orphan (2009)

Reviewed on 2010 June 18

Oh, where to begin? This thing has so many clichés that the great acting from the leads can’t even salvage it.

John and Kate Coleman (Peter Sarsgaard and Vera Farmiga) are a couple still reeling from a tragic loss (and the film throws taste out the window early on here, what an opening). As a coping mechanism, the Colemans decide to add to their family of two children by adopting a third: a deceptively sweet orphan named Esther (Isabelle Fuhrman). Esther would give Damien Thorn a run for his money, insinuating her way into the Coleman household and soon all but running it. The problem is, even though bad things happen around Esther, not everyone can connect the dots.

And here we can just sit back and look at the weak movie checklist. Scary kid? Yep. Innocent siblings, one of whom seems to see through Esther from the beginning? Yes, killing two birds with one stone. There’s also lots of stupid behavior and some very loopy parts that were just too hard to accept. I can accept something being evil just for the sake of evil — Mr. Shukti and I discuss this frequently and I think many times evil just is — but what I really have a hard time with is a kid, even if she’s the world's smartest kid, getting rid of crime evidence like a Russian mob “cleaner”.

No morsels. Just…no.

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