Reviewed on 2010 May 16
Hey! Wanna see a movie about a tattooed gun-slinging angel taking names and kicking much…no? You don’t?
Good call. This thing was stupid.
In a nutshell: G-d has lost faith in us puny mortals and decides to wipe us out, once and for all. Archangel Michael (Paul Bettany) hasn’t lost faith in us though, and thuds to earth in an attempt to save us. (As far as I know there was this one other time where an angel thought he could outdo G-d and that ended rather poorly, but we won’t go there.) Anyway, Michael treks to a diner called Paradise Falls (snort) in East Nowhere, Arizona, to shield a pregnant waitress (Adrianne Palicki) from a herd of angels on the ultimate scrub mission. Good thing for the humans, because they’re menaced by some horrible creatures, beginning with a hideous being that starts out as a sweet little old lady.
You can surmise the plot from both the standard and redband trailers, which unfortunately also contain the best bits of the whole thing. What you’re not prepared for is how lame it is. I also know quite a few Christians could be offended by this. For the record I’m a Christian, and didn’t have time to get offended by this thing because I was too busy snickering at it. Mr. Shukti in fact heard my giggles and asked if it was a comedy and I told him no, it wasn’t; not in theory, anyway. If you’re Ibrahamic at all you know this is just wrong (I mean technically if you’ve read any scripture as well as from a religious standpoint). If you’ve studied religious texts at all and simply view them as myth you know this is not how it goes down. If you think that’s not important, try pitching a script with Batman as a serial killer or re-imagining of The Hobbit where Bilbo gets snarfed by Smaug — or better yet, a Buddha film where he’s a greedy cigar-chomping hedonist — and see how that flies. The other problem is that dialogue was pretty clichéd, which was a disservice to the actors. That’s the one thing Legion got right: Michael, and the humans he was trying to save, were at least likable. The acting was decent, given the silliness the crew had to work with, and stupid or not, at least Michael and Gabriel were easy to look at.
One chocolate morsel. Good for a laugh, but clearly they tried blending The Book of Revelation and Terminator and screwed them both up. Noteworthy for being the first Armageddon movie filmed in Dumb@ss.