Lake Dead (2007)
Reviewed on 2007 November 18
This is the film that makes me think I may need to create The Negative Morsel. The UnMorsel. I think this thing is so bad it could create a vacuum and suck ratings from other movies, if we let it.
The plot is simple: an old man dies, leaving his granddaughters a small hotel. Things are fishy from the beginning, because Brielle (Kelsey Crane) explains to her fiance Ben (Jim Devoti) they don’t have any surviving grandparents. Their estranged father told them that, but since he was drunk and crazy, she decides that maybe he was lying and they did get some valuable property. She decides they should check it out.
She and Ben visit her sister Sam (Tara Gerard), who spends most of her time drinking and either showing off in front of her sister’s fiance, or insulting him. Sam is too busy draining bottles of vodka to go to the funeral, but she decides to go to the property. Alone, of course, at night.
Brielle, Ben, and Brielle’s non-idiot sister Kelli (Kelsey Weeden) go to the funeral, where they’re warned by their father to stay away from the place (but of course with no reason provided), and decide they’ll go check the place out anyway, meeting Sam there and bringing some friends with them for a camping trip before selling the place. Bill (Alex P. Quinn) and his girlfriend Amy (Vanessa Viola) come with. Kelli, with reasons known to God alone, has a skank friend named Tanya (Malea Richardson) that she decides to inflict on the group too. Amy knows Tanya is trouble. So does any woman in the audience with a brain — I hated her instinctively too.
And that’s why this thing failed. A horror movie should scare you and this didn’t make me feel I was in danger of anything accept being annoyed to death. I was too busy gloating at the thought of some of the characters getting it, and then when it happened I wrote the director off as a misogynist. As a final test — if the bad guys make you giggle (that’s what happened to me, folks) — you’ve failed. Oh yeah, the acting was pretty lousy too.
Did I mention I hated it?
Bad movie. Bad, bad movie! No morsel for you!